Big Mind Transpersonal Experience – Genpo Roshi at Dharmapalooza 2006

I’ve written about what I got from Genpo Roshi’s Big Mind technique when I went on the 28th of Oct 06 at the Shambhala Center in Boulder, CO. But I didn’t write about some internal experiences I had.

After sitting at the feet of Zen Master Genpo Roshi at Dharmapalooza, I did have a couple transpersonal experience.

I was actually feeling very bad that day. I had a migraine headache (dehydration from the previous day) that made body weak. It was as if my body was using all of its energy to repair what felt like brain dehydration.
As Genpo took us through the process of allowing the different facets of the ego to talk in the first person (i.e. anger, the victim, the damaged self, doubt – see my description of Big Mind technique if you are not familiar with it) I noticed that my dis-ease felt almost unbearable when we spoke as a negative aspect of the ego. Anger was the worse. But when we were positive or nondual the pain would subside or even completely vanish until I opened my eyes. But that wasn’t the mystical part.

As he release us for a break, he told us to remain in Big Mind (big mind is a nondual, all knowing mind that has no opposite – like direct interface with G.O.D – you access it by allowing it to speak as it self). As I took a walk down Spruce then 15th street to stretch my legs, I started to feel like I was experiencing certain things directly as raw vibration.
This experience was happening even through my pounding migraine. It was as if the vail of ego was lifted at times; as if the vail of ego was now a partially cloudy sky letting streams of brilliant warm sunlight through whereas before it was psychological overcast.

I could look at a shadow from a tree and be overwhelmed with the beauty of its “suchness”. I felt as if my sanity was holding on by a thread. At any moment I could completely lose it and burst into tears of joy. At any moment I could observe a leaf swept up by the wind and my body might be suddenly racked with convulsive sobs of happiness.

The bliss was almost painful and I had to focus on my bastard of an ego just to retain my composure.

“I am the controller,” I kept telling myself. The Controller was one of the facets that Genpo had taken us through.

At one point I looked up at the top of a church and felt like I was about to fly above it, the mild shock of the energy that struck me in the chest made me gasp and stop dead in my tracks. The same inhale of air you take when someone splashes your with cold water.

I looked around to make sure no one was watching me. From the outside looking in it probably looked like I was having a panic attack, but I was fine. I was having a bliss attack. As a long time spiritual practitioner I tend to bash the ego and I’m always on the look out for ways the obliterate it, but that is kind of like trying to get rid of your tongue for saying foul language. The ego is pretty useful. It helps us to interface with our social surroundings.
It was very cool. But it was so… much that I nearly got in my 1998 Toyota Corolla to drive as far away from Genpo and his fucking Big Mind as I could. When Roshi started again I was able to regain my composure with ease. I stayed the entire time with my headache getting worse and worse.
At the very end, I got so sick that I decided to sit in the back for fear of puking in the Buddhist temple. On the way home (a two hour drive), I actually felt better and started to be more afraid of losing my composure again while pumping gas or in the middle of driving. But I did fine.
As I write this, I feel the Big Mind technique has made my ego run more efficiently (if that makes any since). When control is needed, my Controller steps in. When anger flares up I let it voice its concerns then I let it go. When I need advice I use Big Mind. When suffering arises I allow it to surface and then be absorbed by the Damaged Self.
Too, I have noticed how lazy I have been with my meditation. That Big Mind session help me realize just how lame my meditation practice has been, but that was probably because we started off with a flippin’ 2 hr meditation session (it would have been :45minutes but some guy named Vidyuddeva was actually giving us instruction on how to do it properly).
More than anything Big Mind has been a really good psycho-emotional gauge and compass so I know where I’m headed when egoic speed bumps and road signs like tantrums and frustration begin to approach.

If you have an opportunity to try Big Mind go for it. It is worth it: http://www.bigmind.org/